I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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