we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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