I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
