Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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