my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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