I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
