Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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