tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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