I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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