We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
