Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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