I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
