hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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