Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
