Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
