just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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