He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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