I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
