Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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