I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize