i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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