He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
