Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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