Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found puke in my bra..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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