Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
