Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
