now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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