Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
