woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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