Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
