Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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