I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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