My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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