My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
