A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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