She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
