I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
