my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
