im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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