is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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