A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
