that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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