dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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