Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize