She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
