I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
