Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
