I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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