About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
