Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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