i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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