I looked at my own cervix.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
