I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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