I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
