I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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